two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
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Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Thinking about Jeff
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*aggressively waits in line*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.