4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.