dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
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Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
My neck, my back, my…
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.