love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Chicago sounds lovely.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.