Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*