I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.