am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
How I like cutting carbs
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb