If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
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I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”