Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
No, I don’t think I will.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.