I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
You Might Also Like
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
A tragic love story in two pictures.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
A completely valid reaction tbh
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.