Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
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My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Golf would be better with landmines.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.