Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!