How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Do one person every day that scares you.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.