I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him