Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Last-minute gift idea!
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.