My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog