4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.