*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really