In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
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Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.