Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?