Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Steam Forums
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.