my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.