Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’d use my best pan on you.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.