I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
crochet youtube is brutal
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
you have three unread messages
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”