“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
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Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?