I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
This could be us but you eatin’
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”