I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
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I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
ready to be harvested
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Day 2 of my diet
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out