Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
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How does one answer this?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Tuesday
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”