Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
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Thank Satan it’s Monday.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.