You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Oh deer
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool