Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.