There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down