Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.