lmfao
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Yup
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
That’s enough internet for the day
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.