I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
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“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”