*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.