the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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drew a comic about my origin story
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Hey i am sexy to you now
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.