I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Cheer up.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?