My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.