[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
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I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?