Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
You Might Also Like
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.