-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN鈥橳 DATE YOUR BARBIE HE鈥橲 BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren鈥檛 you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that鈥檚 what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I鈥檓 a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn鈥檛 take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn鈥檛 want any fries but here we are.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I鈥檇 totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Her: It wasn鈥檛 all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Literally! 馃ぃ #dogs
I successfully predicted all my different cousin鈥檚 pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for