I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
You Might Also Like
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.