[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.