To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Leaving the Barbers like
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.