My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.