*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
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Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.