I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
did it work
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.