The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
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[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I’d use my best pan on you.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
taking June’s advice to heart
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener