My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If you know, you know
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
incredible text to wake up to
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.